McSWEENEY’S
THE FLU MY FOUR-YEAR-OLD BROUGHT ON VACATION ADDRESSES MY HOPE OF NOT CATCHING IT.
“To be clear, you’re a drunk trust-fund kid, and I’m your Malibu bonfire spreading out of control. Daddy can’t stop this flu.”
METHOD MAN, RAEKWON, AND THE WU-TANG CLAN DESIGN EVERYTHING I BUY MY NEWBORN.
“Yeahhh, torture motherfucker what? I’ll fucken… ’Ill fucken invent a cure for infant sniffles where you suck the snot out your baby’s nose through a tube and give it so many five-star Amazon reviews that you actually try it.”
SHOULD YOU CONSOLIDATE YOUR STUDENT LOANS OR GET HIT BY A CAR?
“Sure, some feel it’s insane to jump in front of a moving vehicle instead of just spending a Saturday focused on finding a good consolidation plan. But where they see lemons, others see free glasses of lemonade from the hospital cafeteria.”
POINTS IN CASE
I AM A REAL PERSON, WITH REAL FEELINGS, WITH A REAL 48 FOOT MEDIEVAL TREBUCHET.
“What you may not realize is that under this immaculately restored armor lies a soft, gentle soul whose childhood love of swords became an adulthood of arguing with my spouse about turning our foyer into the showroom of my medieval cutlery collection.”
LITTLE OLD LADY
“If an eternity of random molecular collisions led to 4.5 billion years of survival of the fittest all sculpting the progress of life itself only to create me, a water skiing squirrel, then the only certainty is insanity. I am undeniable proof of unintelligent design.”
ROBOT BUTT
“This affordable package gets you a healthy open-palmed slap, with a side of spiritual metaphor. Great for on-the-goers looking for the perspective change of a six-day trip to Bhutan.”