McSWEENEY’S
THE FLU MY FOUR-YEAR-OLD BROUGHT ON VACATION ADDRESSES MY HOPE OF NOT CATCHING IT.
“To be clear, you’re a drunk trust-fund kid, and I’m your Malibu bonfire spreading out of control. Daddy can’t stop this flu.”
METHOD MAN, RAEKWON, AND THE WU-TANG CLAN DESIGN EVERYTHING I BUY MY NEWBORN.
“Yeahhh, torture motherfucker what? I’ll fucken invent a cure for infant sniffles where you suck the snot out your baby’s nose through a tube and give it so many five-star Amazon reviews that you actually try it.”
SHOULD YOU CONSOLIDATE YOUR STUDENT LOANS OR GET HIT BY A CAR?
“It all comes down to your tolerance for paperwork versus your tolerance for physical pain.”
POINTS IN CASE
I AM A REAL PERSON, WITH REAL FEELINGS, WITH A REAL 48 FOOT MEDIEVAL TREBUCHET.
“Look at my bulbous codpiece! That right there was smelted in the fires of my own personal kiln. So yea, this is serious.”
LITTLE OLD LADY
“II’m not saying a Jesus metaphor is apt, but, walk on water - water skiing squirrel? ”
WHAT HAPPENS IF TESLA SHARES KEEP DROPPING?
“Cybertrucks “awaken” and herd the human race into holding pens to await sentencing.”
ROBOT BUTT
“Watch On Deadly Ground then tell me a mystical martial arts environmentalist can’t change your fucking world.